Category: parody

I am the very model of modern Shadow Councilor.
I’ve exhortation entrepreneur, embezzler, and sepulcher.
I know the kids of Rosie, and I etch the runes irregular;
From Maelith and Meiliki’s to K’thriss’ chunk of altar Ur.
I’ve often adjudicated too, on stream polls that were popular,
That determined expositions, both expected and abrupter-er,
About the fate of Chronaar we’re convening with a lot of views
–A lot of views, so many views… oh yes,–
But Jerriford will simply give us options to vote one or two.

Chorus: (But Jerriford will simply give us options to vote one or two.)

I’m very good at comical and narrative analysis,
I know the formal 5e rules on stun-induced paralysis,
In short, on topics entrepreneur, embezzler, and sepulcher,
I am the very model of modern shadow councilor.

Chorus: (In short, on topics entrepreneur, embezzler, and sepulcher,
He is the very model of modern shadow councilor.)

I know the forms of Walnut: wolf, treant, or bear-furious,
I notice Donaar’s sleep schedule, in the cart of Morpheus,
I quote in Ligotti’s voice all of the mission summaries,
In notebooks I sketch maps of Ms. Beestinger’s discoveries.
I can tell unprompted if a roll will fail or beat a spell DC
And I can describe in detail every new Acq Inq franchisee.
When it comes to these teams, I have knowledge alphabetical,
–Alphabetical, that’s one way to do it, yes–
While my influence at large remains largely imperceptible!

Then I can cite a food review from papers Waterdhavian,
And tell you ev’ry travail of the big brains subterranean.
In short, on topics entrepreneur, embezzler, and sepulcher,
I am the very model of modern Shadow Councilor.

At PAX, now I know what is meant by “Omin Dran” and “Chris Perkins”,
Now I can tell by sound a dooring mimic from a cart goblin,
Now such nightmares as poll results I try to be more scary in.
And now I know precisely who is mean by “Secratarian.”
Now I have turnt what progress has been made into tweet summaries,
Now I know more of Donaar than his very special shrubberies.
In short, now I’ve a swaggering on crypts that are wandery,
–Wandery, wandery, that sounds like a good shop name for Percival–
I’ll soon see the Shadow Councillors meet up in a hotel lobby.

Though my momentary knowledge is enjoyable as expertise,
It’s second to the joy of meeting up with couns’lors such as these,
But still on topics entrepreneur, embezzler, and sepulcher,
We are the very models of some modern Shadow Counsellors!

Howdy, penniless barfies who have o’erdrank,
You’re all out of money, and there’s plates in the sink,
That I’d have y’all scrub—as well as the mugs,
Because I don’t like no broke folks in my pub.

But for you, on this evening, there’s great opportunity,
To avoid all those bubbles and help the community.
You see my friend here, the one shaped like a stone ring,
He has also had, more than five, eight or nine drinks,
Though, unlike you, he has the means to pay,
He’s round portly fellow, we all call the DoomGate.

And though he might seem a bit light in the middle,
The stones in the ring start to bling and to fiddle,
And in a few moments he will form a portal,
To a plane home to creatures demonic, immortal,
And I know you are keen to pay off your tabs,
So if the four of y’all could hop between his slabs,
With weapons a’ready and magicks at hand,
you could stave off the evils while my inn yet withstands,
another night yet of some ungodly drinking
where patrons stave off fleeting moments of thinking.

Does that sound fair to you, my pot-scrubbing crew,
Could a rag or a sword each of you wield more true?

We can all call it even, as soon as you’re done,
My poor Scrubbing Group, my Doomgate, S.G. ones.

If he could sing about the “C”Team,
@Joehills would sing this to the tune of
Rufus Wainwright’s arrangement of Hallelujah.

——

It’s absurdity in RPG form,
@TychoBrahe’s behind creased cardboard,
But you don’t pull up chairs for humor, do you?
You shouldn’t miss this guy, K’thriss,
He shakes a stone, there’s light eldritch
Compelling you, the viewers, to hit the merch store…

Hit the merch store, hit the merch store,
Hit the merch store, hit the merch store.

Walnut’s grove is gone, which sucks for a Druid,
Plus Maelith’s strong, but Nut’s wising to it.
Sigils on the cave walls stabbed like daggers.
She took wolf form and she howled aloud,
She bit at K’thriss and she snapped her snout,
And by her instincts led you to the merch store…

Hit the merch store, hit the merch store,
Hit the merch store, hit the merch store.

Rosie, she’s shopped there before,
All her grandkids get gifts from this store,
Little halflings with Acq. Inc. pins playing footloose,
I’ve seen them picnic beneath the stars,
Wearing their bright Darkmagic scarves,
It’s a one-stop shop for birthdays at the merch store…

Hit the merch store, hit the merch store,
Hit the merch store, hit the merch store.

Donnar’s a paladin, Dragonborn,
Who treats ev’rybody else with scorn,
But you know that they all deserve it, don’t you?
He gains entitlement from bits—
Or so Jerry claims, so I guess it fits,
And they both expect you all to hit the merch store…

Hit the merch store, hit the merch store,
Hit the merch store, hit the merch store.

Maybe there are gods beyond,
Whose tendrils shift their waking pawns,
But Jerry kind of seems like he has got this.
Except the times when the phones light up,
And ideas arise then outright erupt,
And Jerry’s gone volcanic cursing Rothfuss…

What now, Rothfuss? Come on, Rothfuss,
Ignore Rothfuss, God damn Rothfuss,
Dammit, Rothfuss, my game, Rothfuss,
Go home, Rothfuss, shut up, Rothfuss,
Fucking Rothfuss—let’s not do this.
Hit the merch store, Hit the merch store,
Hit the merch store.